Hi Dad: January 30, 2019
Gerald Blackwell, Phil Henson, Amos Perkins, Norris Hilton, Leon Black, Charlie Callahan, Bill Drummonds, and Claude Hilton. I know that you don’t know any of these names. None of them were famous. But all of them influenced my life. Every one of them had the title “Dad” in front of their names. They taught me how to make wise choices, work hard, set goals, deal with defeats, be tough, not cry and whine, develop skills, face challenges, enjoy time with my kids, and be a good loving husband. By their example they taught me to be a man of integrity, passion, to be ethical, when to fight harder, when to back off, to set goals and priorities, how to get going when I didn’t want to, how to work through challenges, and what it means to be a godly dad. Yes, these men were some of the most influential leaders in my life. I could sit and tell you stories that were funny, sad, and inspirational. Funny thing, I’m sure there were times when they had to discipline me. (Back in the day, my dad had given permission to these men to whip me if necessary, whenever and wherever). They weren't perfect. There were a few times when I was disappointed in them for some of their bad habits. But, I can’t remember much about that now. Now that I’m older, I can only remember the good stuff. These men were not just dads. They were teachers. They played a role in shaping my future. They influence the way I make decisions, love my family, help other people, and even deal with life’s stresses. So, I just wanted to remind you that you are making a difference in the lives of your kids, your wife, and your community. Be encouraged, your efforts are worth it. One day your kids and their friends will be telling stories about you and how you changed their lives. Your legacy will live on! I kind of like the title “Dad” before my name. My dad didn’t just tell me how to live, he lived and let me watch him do it. Remember, kids are watching. "Let's walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." Colossians 1:10 Ric Callahan Pastor of Families Westwood Baptist Church
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“If you want to send a strong message to your child that he is accepted, listen and ask questions to show you care about his interests and concerns. In short, develop a relationship with your kids. Without a relationship, your rules, your words and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward acceptance and belonging in a group outside your home. Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in their development. " Dr. Kevin Leman.
Every child, actually, every person longs for acceptance and belonging. As parents we must first understand that we are the “affirmation mirrors” for our children. They look first to us for acceptance. It starts with caring words and simple affectionate touches like tickling feet, patting shoulders, and even messing up their hair. But the world doesn’t always offer those kinds of touches. Many times the world brings on hurtful remarks and even physical attacks. In addition to being unconditionally accepted, kids want to belong. Everyone, whether they are five or fifty, desires to belong. Many people go to great lengths to ensure that they are connected with someone who cares. How can you give your kids a sense of belonging? By creating a community within your family. One suggestion would be to give your children a vote in decisions, listening to what they say and supporting them in their activities. When kids feel a sense of belonging at home it helps them resist peer pressure and creates a set of expectations for them to attain. I always knew what my parents expected of me. They showed me and told me…often. Another way to help your kids feel accepted is to give them the gift of competence. Children become competent when they experience life first hand. If you are an overprotective parent, you'll need to fight the urge to do for your kids what they can do for themselves. Let them try some things. Allow them to fail. Give them the opportunity to develop competence in a new skill. This will build their self-esteem and help them feel more confident when they are away for you. The way a mother eagle teaches her eaglets to fly is an excellent example of how guiding (without over-controlling) helps kids mature and develop confidence. When an eaglet is 80% of his adult size. The mother eagle puts him on the edge of the nest and pushes him off. She watches her baby bird free-fall, and then swoops down just in time to catch him on her wings. This process is repeated over and over until the baby eaglet learns to fly. By doing this, her baby's confidence (and self-esteem, if eagles had such a thing) grows. Imagine if she was overly protective. Her eaglet would never learn to fly; he'd never mature. Unfortunately, I see this at church all the time. In the same way, kids mature and develop a healthy self-esteem by experiencing life first hand, even if it means that sometimes they make mistakes. If parents build their child’s sense of acceptance and belonging early in the home, the child is more likely to successfully face the challenges that are going to come with peers in the days ahead. Final thoughts for helping your child feel accepted:
Proverbs 22:3, 24; Matthew 5:44; I Peter 2:15 Hebrews 10:32-39 Ric Callahan Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL When I was 10 my dad took the opportunity to teach me a lesson on integrity. Here’s what went down. A little boy who lived down the street from me told me he wished that he could have a Babe Ruth autographed baseball. I told him that I had one that I would sale him for $10. He said he had gotten $10 for birthday and that he would buy it. So I ran home, got a little league baseball out of the garage, signed Babe Ruth on the ball and took it back to his house and got my ten bucks. Everyone was happy.
Later that evening my dad got a phone call from the little boy’s dad. I heard one side of the conversation but didn’t know who was on the other line. The conversation ended like this. “Really? Oh my. Well, I will take care of it. Thanks for calling.” Then he hung up the phone and stared at me with that “I ain’t happy” look. I knew I was in trouble but didn’t know why. Dad said son, did you sell an autographed baseball to Larry? I responded with a shrug and then said “yes sir.” “And did you sign Babe Ruth’s name?” “ Yes sir.” “And did you know that what you did was illegal and dishonest?” “Illegal? Dishonest? Seriously?” Dad said come on let’s go get in the car; we are going to Larry’s house. On the drive, dad talked to me about lying, about honesty, and shared the word and definition of integrity with me. Then he told me what I had to do to make it right. In a few moments I found my self in Larry’s den with our dads. I apologized to Larry and gave him his $10 back. And dad was adamant that Larry get to keep the baseball as well. Lesson taught…lesson caught! In a society where everyone seems to be out for themselves, breaches of integrity are common. Honesty is scarce in almost every segment of our culture. Dishonesty has become acceptable, and easily forgivable. The idea of being a person of integrity is a character trait although desired, is usually not expected. As parents we must constantly help our kids understand that God desires that we live a righteous life. And, living an honest life where integrity matters, pleases God. Proverbs 21:23, 22:11 and Romans 8:6 all remind us that honesty is a Godly behavior. As we seek to honor God in our life we must ask the Holy Spirit to help us. Your child’s natural tendency is to please self, not God. Integrity in the home must be taught, but also modeled. Are you a parent of integrity? What are your kids learning from you in this area? How can we help our kids become people of integrity? 1. Catch your kids when they make right choices and celebrate their good decisions. 2. Talk with them often about what the Bible says about Godly behaviors. Look up the verses together and read them aloud. 3. Be honest with your kids about your own struggles with being a person of integrity. Tell them some stories from your past. Tell them where you’ve messed up and what steps you’ve taken to make things right. 4. Pray together about being a God honoring family. 5. Ask your child probing questions about their level of honesty at school, in sports, with money, personal property, and even in your home. Questions to start conversations about integrity: · What are the benefits of being the same person when you are in a crowd as when you’re by yourself? · What does the word “conform,” mean and what does the Bible say about conforming to the world? Romans 12:2 · What process do we need to take to continually build the level of integrity in our relationship and home? Romans 5:35 Let's continually challenge our children to maintain their integrity. This simply pleases God. Ric Callahan Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL Listening and talking is the key to a healthy connection between you and your children. But parenting is hard work and maintaining a good connection with children, especially teens can be challenging. My dad used to say, “I’m already dealing with pressures at work, do I have to deal with it at home too?” That question usually came when, as a teenager, I had just misunderstood another important life lesson. Family life is much better if you teach and model good communication while your kids are young. Teenage years are coming. And, I will just leave it at that.
Children are designed for connection. We all seek it. The type of relationship a child has with their mother, father, or caretaker, transfers into every other future connection. God created all of our senses to grow and ultimately connect with Him. (Genesis 2:7-9, Psalm 139, Proverbs 2:1-9, Acts 17:26-27) How can you and your kids communicate better in the days ahead? Here are some possibilities offered by HomePointe Founder, Kurt Brunner: 1. Use daily moments to capture connection.
Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years. Be available for your children. When your kids are talking make yourself mentally available. In other words, listen. Be willing to start conversations about what is happening in their lives. Start with “Lately I’ve been thinking about this”, rather than asking probing questions. Let them complete their thoughts before you respond. (This is tough for me). Express your opinion without putting down theirs. Kids learn by imitating. Most often, they will follow your lead in how to communicate anger and how to share difficult feelings. Talk to your children — don't lecture, criticize, threaten or say hurtful things. Seems like kids always remember the hurtful things we say, but have problems recalling all the great things we’ve taught them. Each week spend some one-on-one time with each child. Know your child’s interests and show interest in things they enjoy. Ask your children what they may want or need from you. Are they looking for advice, someone to just listen, help in dealing with feelings or help solving a problem? Often, your children may test you by telling you a small part of what is bothering them. Listening carefully to what they say, encourages them to talk and who knows, they may share the rest of the story. If communication is a challenge in your home, Don’t give up! Practicing just a couple of these suggestions should help. Being consistent is the key. Suggested Reading: The Five Love Languages of Children, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, and The Five Languages of Apology. Gary D. Chapman writes all three. Ric Callahan Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL We all love technology. This blog comes to you through that conduit. Tech in our lives brings immense benefits but for parents great concern. Number two on our list of top ten parenting concerns is that of technology. There are great benefits to tech but it can have a dark side as well. Navigating the technological age for parents is all about stewardship. Stewardship is simply wise management of resources. As parents, we must learn to properly steward the use of tech in our homes. That starts with managing ourselves first then our kids. I Peter 5:8 reminds us that Satan is like a lion roaming around seeking to devour us. Even though the Internet and tech devices are not controlled by Satan, it can be misused to the detriment of families.
Extensive access to media has definitely become part of our culture; if leveraged well, technology can be used to serve rather than control your family. Proverbs 4:23 says “Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Technology can help us stay connected or it can keep us distracted and work against our relationship with God and each other. How can your family approach technology and its use in your home? Here are Five Parental Strategies: 1. Educate yourself.
Technology has a huge impact on all of us. We learn, we experience new things, we communicate, and are inspired. Let’s teach our kids to responsibly use it in a way that adds value to their lives and also honors God. Ric Callahan Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist church, Alabaster, AL HomePointe founder Kurt Brunner has identified 10 major concerns for
parents. Over the next few weeks I will be talking about each one in my blog. I would encourage you to check out the HomePointe website at drivefaithhome.com as we continue on this journey. I’ve worked with kids and families for over 35 years now. Throughout my ministry I’ve have engaged in hundreds of conversations with parents about their children. One thing that has been consistent is that regardless of nationality, race, economic or social status, most parents want their kids to understand something about the spiritual world. When asked about what their wishes are concerning the level of spiritual understanding their kids receive, I get a variety of answers. When asked if they have a plan for leading their kids in this journey, most are willing to pass off the responsibility to others. This is a dangerous decision for the parent and especially for the child. If you never understand anything else I write, please understand this; “It is the responsibility of every parent to become the primary faith teacher of their children.” This is consistent with The Bible and has been proven as the most successful way to help children grow into responsible God- pleasing adults. Of course, pastors, teachers, good Christian books, and the church are there to assist parents in this challenging endeavor. Guiding this next generation is a task that stretches us to depend on God and His Word. Keep in mind that your kids are learning about your beliefs concerning spiritual things on a daily basis by hearing what you say, and watching what you do. Kurt Brunner says, “What you do today directly influences the multigenerational cycle of family traits, beliefs, and actions for good or bad.” So passing a strong faith to our children begins by having a strong faith ourselves and modeling the Gospel in our marriages and to those we relate to daily. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 tells us that, as parents, we are to integrate spiritual teaching throughout each day. Our family runs an after-school kids club in a small town in Alabama. It is interesting to me that a majority of the kids who come daily to the program we provide don’t attend church regularly. However, their parents are totally fine with us teaching them Christian songs, Bible stories, memory verses, and Biblical principles. Parents give that responsibility to our team without question. We love that this happens but the roles are reversed. In most cases, the kids go home teaching their parents about spiritual things. Don’t be the parent that gives this responsibility away totally to others. Recognize that it is a blessing to teach your child about God and His love for the world. It is your responsibility to model godly living. It’s also a God-given privilege and honor to lead your children in this way. Here are a few ideas:
Bottom-line: Look for ways to have spiritual conversations. Blessings on your family, Ric Callahan, Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL HomePointe Founder Kurt Brunner is doing everything in his power to
help churches “drive faith home.” The organization was designed to help local church leaders create a culture of strong Christian families. This would be accomplished by challenging parents to take on the role as the primary faith teachers of their children. His website and ministry helps churches worldwide educate parents and families on how to better serve and glorify God in their homes. I would encourage you to check out their website at drivefaithhome.com. HomePointe has identified 10 major concerns for parents. Over the next few weeks I will be talking about each one in my blog. My goal for today is simply to give you a list of the top 10 concerns as identified by the HomePointe team. 1. Spiritual Development of Children 2. Technology use and abuse within the family 3. Parent/Child Communication 4. Integrity at home and beyond 5. Peer Acceptance and Positive Relationships 6. Self Image, Gifts, and Talents 7. Making Grades, Working Hard, and Being Self Disciplined 8. Sexual Knowledge-What do your kids need to know and when 9. Financial Awareness and Responsibility 10. Apathy, Procrastination and Independence I believe that the next 10 weeks will help all of us who are parents better understand our role as the primary faith teachers of our children. Ric Callahan Pastor of Families Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL Recently I’ve been doing my own personal survey to find out why so many kids who grow up in the church choose to disregard church after their high school years. I’ve been in student and kids ministry for over 30 years. During the years I’ve worked really hard to help the churches that I’ve served provide comprehensive ministries for young people in the areas of all spiritual disciplines. I have trained leaders and parents in how to equip kids in and through Bible Studies, Discipleship Classes, weekly church services, camps, trips, retreats, service projects, mission trips, and other events. I’ve organized opportunities to cover lessons throughout the Bible using large groups, small groups, and one-on-one instruction. I’ve given parents resources to follow-up with their kids at home as well.
Here’s my frustration. With all that we are attempting to make happen through the church, a large number of students stray from the church when they graduate from high school. When I individually asked a large number of good churched young adults why this happens they all gave me similar answers. As a parent trying to raise good godly kids I’m sure you are interested in their answers, right? So what are they saying? Here goes… Most kids, even Christian kids will, in most cases, follow the examples learned in their home more so than the church. The influence that you have as a parent is unbelievable! Never underestimate the power and authority that God has given you with your kids. Now that we are reminded of this, what do we do? Well, for starters, you need to know that the way you lead your family matters. Second, you need to realize that the church, though it plays a part, is not totally responsible for the spiritual growth of your kids, you are. Kids who stray after high school have shared many interesting findings about the homes they grew up in. · They went to church regularly, often on both Sundays and Wednesdays. · They went to camps, retreats and even mission trips. · They loved and respected God and had an appreciation for the church staff. But… · They would leave church on Sunday and never talk about church or what they heard at church after they left the church campus. · They would schedule their week based on worldly priorities not godly ones. · They would hear unwholesome talk and see inconsistencies in the way their parents lived. · Bible reading would not take place in the home by neither parents nor kids. · Although positive communication took place within the home, very seldom was there a conversation of any spiritual nature. Bottom-line: Kids are watching and learning from what they experience at home. Let’s be spiritually consistent parents and allow God to lead us during the week as well as on Sundays. More to come, Ric Callahan The Bible tells us that “children are a blessing from the Lord.” If this is true, and it is, why is parenting so difficult?
In my last post, I discussed a couple of ways that we motivate our kids. One was reward or “treasure,” and the other was fear or “the hatchet.” We recognized that both of these motivational forces work; however, we would rather our kids be motivated by their heart. Proverbs 21:2 reminds us that God judges us by our motives. Motives come from the heart. In Jeremiah 17:9 we read, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Unfortunately, this includes the heart of your child. In addition, we discover in Mark 7:21 that selfish, evil hearts lead to selfish, evil behavior. Therefore, as parents we need to focus on training our child’s heart. By the way, “heart training” takes a lot longer than “potty training.” So be patient. To start this process, we must understand that our parenting style needs to reflect the way God parents and leads us. Hebrews 12:6 says, “The Lord disciplines those he loves.” Our number one motivation for how we train our kids must be LOVE. And, our number one goal should be to train them in such a way that they have a stronger relationship with their Heavenly Father and will choose to honor and obey Him. Here are three ways you can begin to train your child’s heart:
Ric Callahan, Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL I’ve recently been reading a book entitled “Lead, for God’s Sake” written by Todd Gongwer. The book is a leadership book, not really a parenting book. But there is a concept found within this fictional story that I think is worth sharing. The plot for the parable is about a coach who just can’t find the right motivation for his high school basketball team. He is presented with a thought from a friend who says that there are only two things that motivate people. (You probably think they are Mexican Food and Wrestling.) Nope, one is the fear or threat of “the hatchet” and the other is the reward or “the treasure.” Though I do agree that often these motivational forces work, at least in the short term, they will not bring consistent motivation in the long term, especially in your home.
Unfortunately, most parents have used both “the treasure” and “the hatchet” approach for years. I know I have, and so did my parents. Not a real hatchet of course but… well you get the idea. Maybe you’ve used fear and reward in your home as well. Hey, they work. But, after a while “the hatchet” has to be more and more severe and “the treasure” has to be sweeter and sweeter. Eventually, you have to find a better way. Later in the story, another friend suggests that rather than motivate out of fear or reward that we learn to influence the hearts of others. We all want to be good parents. As a parent/leader we desire to have kids who are motivated to move in a positive direction. I know that I struggled with using the right motivations while raising my girls. In the midst of the battle, it’s not always easy to make the wisest choice. It’s a challenge to think through every possible outcome when a decision must be made now. Bottom-line, parenting is hard work. As I think about this idea of working on the heart of a child rather than always using the hatchet or treasure approaches to get my desired results; I realize that I must give credit to God and His grace on me as a parent to have two girls that grew up well. With that said, if I had a “do-over” with raising my girls, here are some things I would try. Knowing now that the way we deal (or don't deal) with our kids' misbehavior shapes their beliefs about themselves, the world, and God: I would seek to connect with their hearts during discipline challenges - not just their minds. I understand now, that if you train your child’s heart first, training their behavior will be much easier. I would also try to be more consistent, more loving, more caring, and more encouraging as well as smile more. I would seek to stay calm when the kids aren’t, pause to gather my thoughts, reply with wisdom, and look at moments of discipline as opportunities. And, I would use creative consequences that build coping skills, values, and faith. The Big Question now is, how do you train the heart? I will cover that in my next blog. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 (NIV) Ric Callahan, Pastor of Families @ Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL |
AuthorRic Callahan has served the Church as minister to youth, children, and families for 37 years. He and his wife, Carla, have a passion for motivating and encouraging parents to activiely pursue Godly leadership in their homes. They have raised two daughters who use their gifts in minsitry as well. Archives
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