“If you want to send a strong message to your child that he is accepted, listen and ask questions to show you care about his interests and concerns. In short, develop a relationship with your kids. Without a relationship, your rules, your words and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward acceptance and belonging in a group outside your home. Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in their development. " Dr. Kevin Leman.
Every child, actually, every person longs for acceptance and belonging. As parents we must first understand that we are the “affirmation mirrors” for our children. They look first to us for acceptance. It starts with caring words and simple affectionate touches like tickling feet, patting shoulders, and even messing up their hair. But the world doesn’t always offer those kinds of touches. Many times the world brings on hurtful remarks and even physical attacks. In addition to being unconditionally accepted, kids want to belong. Everyone, whether they are five or fifty, desires to belong. Many people go to great lengths to ensure that they are connected with someone who cares. How can you give your kids a sense of belonging? By creating a community within your family. One suggestion would be to give your children a vote in decisions, listening to what they say and supporting them in their activities. When kids feel a sense of belonging at home it helps them resist peer pressure and creates a set of expectations for them to attain. I always knew what my parents expected of me. They showed me and told me…often. Another way to help your kids feel accepted is to give them the gift of competence. Children become competent when they experience life first hand. If you are an overprotective parent, you'll need to fight the urge to do for your kids what they can do for themselves. Let them try some things. Allow them to fail. Give them the opportunity to develop competence in a new skill. This will build their self-esteem and help them feel more confident when they are away for you. The way a mother eagle teaches her eaglets to fly is an excellent example of how guiding (without over-controlling) helps kids mature and develop confidence. When an eaglet is 80% of his adult size. The mother eagle puts him on the edge of the nest and pushes him off. She watches her baby bird free-fall, and then swoops down just in time to catch him on her wings. This process is repeated over and over until the baby eaglet learns to fly. By doing this, her baby's confidence (and self-esteem, if eagles had such a thing) grows. Imagine if she was overly protective. Her eaglet would never learn to fly; he'd never mature. Unfortunately, I see this at church all the time. In the same way, kids mature and develop a healthy self-esteem by experiencing life first hand, even if it means that sometimes they make mistakes. If parents build their child’s sense of acceptance and belonging early in the home, the child is more likely to successfully face the challenges that are going to come with peers in the days ahead. Final thoughts for helping your child feel accepted:
Proverbs 22:3, 24; Matthew 5:44; I Peter 2:15 Hebrews 10:32-39 Ric Callahan Pastor of Families, Westwood Baptist Church, Alabaster, AL
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AuthorRic Callahan has served the Church as minister to youth, children, and families for 37 years. He and his wife, Carla, have a passion for motivating and encouraging parents to activiely pursue Godly leadership in their homes. They have raised two daughters who use their gifts in minsitry as well. Archives
May 2018
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